You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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