New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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