Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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