so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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