Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
