Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
my shit smells like andre
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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