Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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