my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize