How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
