She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
