you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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