the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
