Michael Bay diarrhea
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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