Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
