I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
