Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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