The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize