after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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