every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
