Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
