3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
