GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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