i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
