I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
