had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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