I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Randomize
