Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
