I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
