I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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