Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
