Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
