I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
