every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize