did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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