i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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