look no pants
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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