I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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