My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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