I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
