There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Randomize
