at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
