Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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