in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
