i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
