I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
