i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
