they need to just BURY HIM!
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
