god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
