i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
