Are we in a gay sports bar?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
