Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
That accounts for only three of the penises
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
