Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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