If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
They are going to name an STD after you.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
