i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
