apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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