so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
