Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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