1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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