I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
