I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
