careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
