The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
