Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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