well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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