The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
