$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize