My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
