I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
